Cold Comfort
November 7, 2009
Filed under family, humor, pets
Tags: mannequins, dogs and storms, dogs fearing storms, how to calm a dog during a storm, thunderstorms and dogs, dogs that fear thunderstorms, dogs afraid of thunderstorms, calming a fearful dog, uses for mannequins outside of the store, mannequins as part of the family
With every storm, our dog, Lily, trembles and pants uncontrollably. She jumps from my lap to Kevin’s and back again. She’s totally inconsolable. There’s nothing we can do to reassure her or calm her down. She just wants to be on our laps, and even that doesn’t help her.
I’ve often wondered how she fares when we’re both at work. What does she do for comfort, then?
While sitting in my hammock chair with my feet up the other day (a position that makes it impossible for her to jump into my lap), I got my answer.
I heard the distant rumbling of thunder, even though the sun was shining and there was no wind. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught her moving in an odd direction. Then, she jumped and I had my answer.
I also had my camera/phone in my pocket.
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Yes, she’s sitting in the lap of my mannequin.
Some Assembly Required
Regarding those internet purchases…
We had an old and dilapidated cabinet that we’d been using as a home for our bills, checks and whatnot. After much catalog perusing, we found a secretary that was the perfect size for the small space we had. The disclaimer of some assembly required didn’t bother us. We could put part of it together. After all, I’d assembled our new internet purchased fainting couch all by myself. One click later and it was on its’ way to us.
Apparently we forgot the lesson of the lawnmower. The new secretary arrived in a box. A very flat box. Once opened, we discovered the parts that were pre-assembled. We discovered two miniscule drawers for the inside. These were right on top, giving us a sense of false security. Surely there must be more that is already put together, right?
Here is Kevin’s reaction when he pulled the eighteen page assembly instructions out of the box:

Yeah, it was funny then.
We began pulling out the parts. We stacked them all over the porch according to the little letters on one side. We found the parts list..

Now, I’m seriously scared. Beginning to fear our folly and think that perhaps we should have just gone to an actual furniture store, we trudged forward.
Here’s a shot of about half of the pieces stacked on the porch:

These two packages of hardware scared the bejeezus out of me. How were we ever going to figure out where everything went? The instructions included no words whatsoever; just diagrams with arrows and letters.
Nevertheless, we continued on. We had dedicated a Saturday morning to this project. Please keep in mind that Saturdays are precious to us as I work every other one. The ones that I have off are always devoted to fun for the two of us and the two of us alone.
We finished pulling all of the parts out of the box. We had to dump the box over to get the last of the pieces from the bottom. Styrofoam pinheads filled the air. They stuck to everything around. We began tracking them into the house. I feared we were inhaling them.

My beloved porch was desecrated.

Due to my fear of the aspiration of styrofoam, we actually vacuumed before starting the project. We used two vacuums. It was the first time Kevin had let me near one of his precious cleaners since I’d met him.
Kevin once again pulled out the instructions. He read out loud, “Step one. If you are attempting to assemble this piece of fine furniture with your wife, go kiss her now.” A prophylactic kiss is never a bad idea. He then went to find the razor knife which he said was to cut his wrists. Actually, he had to open the bubbles on the hardware packages.
After an hour of unpacking parts and vacuuming, we began the actual assembly job.

We worked quite well together.
We actually needed four hands for this step, but one hand had to be used on the camera.
One hour later, we had our prize.

Yes, after an hour we had a box that went somewhere on the bigger piece that we had yet to assemble.
The eighteen page instruction sheet didn’t look quite so funny, now.

We persevered. We glued dowels and screwed screws and ran to the hardware store when we found they gave us the wrong parts. Soon, we were able to see it start to take shape. We were able to turn it upright!

We valiantly continued on until the bitter end. We assembled the drawers and attached the knobs and remained respectful of each other throughout the entire endeavor.
It was one heavy sucker when completed. Kev went out and got the dolly to drag it into its’ new home in the pool hall.

It looked fabulous. It remained covered with styrofoam pinheads and I decided it could stay that way until Sunday. We’d spent five hours on it already.
I was mad at it.

I left the pool table covered in the crap from the old cabinet. That could wait. It had usurped our Saturday. That was unforgiveable.
That being the case, I didn’t feel so bad about all the leftover parts for which we couldn’t find uses.

But, the nightmare was over. It was assembled. The porch was cleaned up again. I really did dust it on Sunday and fill it with all the junk from the old cabinet.
Imagine my dismay when I got home from work yesterday and saw a box with another one sitting on the porch. Yes, they sent us two.
Rescuing the ‘Rents (A True Story)
November 3, 2009
Filed under family, health, humor
Tags: sandwich generation, helping elderly parents, snowbirds, when your parents can no longer be snow birds, long drives, disastrous drives, octogenarian tales, miserable drives
When my elderly in-laws put out the call for assistance to get them from their winter home in Ft. Myers, Florida to their summer home in Michigan, we didn’t hesitate to run to their aid. My father-in-law was eighty-seven and my mother-in-law was almost eighty-four. They’d been independent until recently when some new health issues had made it unsafe for them to make this long drive themselves. It would not be a problem for us to help out.
On Friday morning of Memorial Day weekend, we boarded a plane in Cleveland, Ohio for the southern regions of Florida. Since my husband, Kevin, and I are still ridiculously conjoined, we should have realized things may not go quite as planned when we discovered our seats were at opposite ends of the plane, just shortly before boarding. (Disclaimer to my male readers: please continue reading even though I have to talk of some female issues. You’ll understand the necessity of this and I will try not to offend anyone’s senses.) Next problem that I encountered, soon after boarding the plane, was that the Goddess of Menopause decided to play another practical joke on me and bless me with an excessively heavy flow that would only last the duration of this trip. Since Kevin and I had already agreed to switch driving positions on the way home every two hours, I was sure this issue would be dealt with accordingly.
Upon our arrival in the south, we helped my in-laws stow the porch furniture and button up the winter home. We headed to bed early, where the still ridiculously conjoined Youngs discovered that our sleeping arrangements were two twin beds pushed together; one about four inches lower than the other. This was not conducive to the snuggling we are used to, but we persevered.
We arose on Saturday morning at o’dark thirty. With the plan being to leave by six a.m., showers were forgone. (Once again, I must ask you to bear with me for some personal information that must be disclosed for the sake of the story. I’ll try not to offend.) Since I was thrown off of my usual morning routine, a bowel movement was not possible for me. I knew what was going to happen to me because of this. I was going to blow up with gas; gas that would have nowhere to go.
We finished closing up the house and loaded their van with everything that they, and their annoying little dog, would need once they reached Michigan. We headed out, right on schedule. My mother-in-law is a smoker and we quickly learned that we had to crack our windows when she lit up, as she had no intentions of being a polite smoker. I’d been smoke free for seven months; Kevin for three. The van absolutely reeked. We politely kept our mouths shut. We were not going to change any behaviors in an eighty-four year old woman. It wasn’t worth the hassle.
Their van was the next obstacle I encountered. For the record, I drive a Mini Cooper; small, close to the road and handles like a go-cart. When I got behind the wheel of the van for the first time, I was a little taken aback. This van has two steps to get up into it, extra length on the back and one of those roofs that make it tall enough in which to stand. I felt like I was driving a semi-truck. The steering was loose and the wind kicked me all over the place. I couldn’t speed like I’m used to doing. I could barely maintain the speed limit. I was sweating profusely at times. Kevin seemed like he was miles away from me in the seat next to mine. We often reached over the abyss just to hold hands, but even this small gesture put quite a strain on our tendons. This was one big, freaking van.
So, to recap:
No shower, so I felt grimy. Abdominal distention was beginning due to the excessive gas build-up. Stopping in disgusting, nasty roadside rests every two hours to change drivers. This was where I got to experience the joys of caring for feminine hygiene necessities in much less than sanitary conditions. I’m driving a vehicle that made me very uncomfortable. The Grand Canyon is separating Kevin and I.
And my mother-in-law lit up.
Our goal for the day was to get to Beckley, West Virginia by evening. This was the only place Kevin could get reservations for us on Memorial Day weekend that met the dual needs of a non-smoking room for Kevin and myself, along with a smoking room that allowed pets and was handicapped accessible for the in-laws. We had a long haul ahead of us.
And my mother-in-law lit up.
Somewhere in South Carolina in a roadside rest men’s room, Kevin lost his glasses. We didn’t discover this until about an hour after the deed and were unsure as to exactly which stop we had been in, so we just kept driving. He had his prescription sunglasses, so he could still drive; at least until dark. Our driving rotation would necessitate me taking over at dark, no matter whose turn it was or how tired either one of us were.
Around five o’clock, while I was taking my turn at the wheel, I heard the sound of a can being opened in the backseat. It was cocktail hour for the geriatrics. Something as inconvenient as a long road trip wasn’t going to stop them from imbibing. A bottle was opened, ice taken from a cooler and the mix was added. God love them.
And my mother-in-law lit up.
Our next obstacle proved to be the electric seat on the driver’s side. Kevin is significantly taller than I am, so we needed to make many adjustments each time we switched drivers. This control decided to become temperamental, and then completely quit working by the end of the evening. Of course, it quit in Kevin’s position. Not good for a short woman.
So, dark began to descend upon us. We stopped to change drivers one last time. We have now been on the road for almost fifteen hours.
Let’s recap!
No shower, so I felt grimy. Abdominal distention was reaching astronomical proportions due to the excessive gas build-up. I looked like I was six months pregnant and was suffering some severe pains. Stopping in disgusting, nasty roadside rests every two hours to change drivers. This was where I got to experience the joys of caring for feminine hygiene necessities in much less than sanitary conditions. I’m driving a vehicle that made me very uncomfortable. The Grand Canyon is separating Kevin and I. Kevin lost his glasses and I was driving the last leg of the journey, out of turn. The in-laws had cocktail hour. The seat control broke and I was stretching both arms and legs as far as I could to reach the steering wheel and pedals while sitting on the very edge of the seat.
And my mother-in-law lit up.
I’m now driving on the West Virginia turnpike in the dark. Up the mountain, down the mountain, around the curve. The van strained uphill and flew like greased lightning when going downhill. I had forty minutes until we hit the hotel. What could happen now? Hadn’t we dealt with enough already? No, we hadn’t. That’s when the pouring rain began. In the dark. In the mountains. With a seat that wouldn’t allow me to properly reach the controls. With severe gas cramps desperately trying to distract me.
When the rain stopped, I breathed a huge sigh of relief. I was physically miserable, but we only had fifteen minutes to go. I actually started compiling this story in my head at this time. I thought about all that had transpired so far and how funny it would be. I knew it would be a bit long for the basic internet reader’s attention span, but I knew it would be worth it. We had been through a lot and I had nearly gotten us to the hotel. We were home free.
That’s when the deer ran out in front of me and I peed my pants.
Guilt
October 30, 2009
Filed under family, health
Tags: coping with mental illness in the family, families broken up by mental illness, guilt, mental health, mental illness, paranoia, paranoid shizophrenia, schizophrenia
He was 38 when he first started hearing voices. He was 38 when he first started to think everyone could read his thoughts. He was 38 when he came to believe his family was under mind control or had computer chips surgically placed in their brains while they were drugged or in comas on the porch roof. He was 38 when he had his first schizophrenic break.
Granted, this is a very late age for something like this to happen. We didn’t know that at the time. We’d had time to form a life together already. We had a wonderful marriage, home, kids. We were each other’s best friends, as it should have been. Then, he got so sick.
So sick that he stopped bathing. So sick that he could eat very little, as he feared his food was poisoned. Not by me, but he was sure the manufacturer was out to get him, too. So sick that he couldn’t go to work anymore. So sick that he spent what little funds we had on devices to debug our house. So sick that he showed up at the kid’s schools, unkempt, unshaven, unbathed and filthy. He had to make sure the teachers knew his children were unsafe and ask if they were the ones who had put microchips in their brains.
The hospitalizations started. Medications were tried. Some worked very well. So well that he was sure he didn’t need them any more. So, he stopped taking them. And had to be hospitalized again. And again. And again. Ad infinitum.
The family tug-of-war contributed greatly to this dilemma. His father and brothers were certain that I had caused this. I’d get him into the hospital. They would convince him he didn’t need to be there and to leave against medical advice. I’d get him back in and somewhat stable on the meds. I’d go to work and when I came home, his med bottles were empty. “Dad said I didn’t need them and to just pour them down the drain. So, I did.” I had to enlist the help of our 12 year old daughter to regulate med therapy when I wasn’t home. She ended up parenting her father at a very young age.
We lost our insurance. The hospital and medication bills mounted. He bought more debugging devices. I worked 3 jobs. We went bankrupt.
The kids started refusing to bring friends home. Then they started not having any friends to bring home. Their grades dropped. And dropped some more.
He was 42 when I asked him to leave. He was 42 when I watched him walk away from our home one last time. He was 42 when he went back to stay with his father again. He was 42 when my life-long relationship with guilt began.
*Note: This all happened over twenty years ago, although I never wrote about it until ‘06. Writing this has been cathartic for me and the guilt hasn’t been such a major issue since then. I’ve republished this elsewhere a few times, whenever the emotions get the better of me, and it always helps. I’m better now. Really.
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Happy to Cry For You
He came to us from the streets. He was able to spend some of his nights at a local mission shelter, but that was only twelve hour housing on a first come, first serve basis. If he got there too late, he was doomed to spend the night outdoors; outdoors in the bitterly cold, northern Ohio winter. He was emaciated and filthy. His hair and beard hung in long, greasy tangles. His nails were black. Filth was encrusted into his skin. The only reason he ended up with us was due to his illness finally getting the best of him. He’s paranoid schizophrenic and started believing someone was poisoning his water. To counteract this, he began pouring bleach into his water and coffee prior to drinking it. Someone at the shelter noticed this and he finally made his way into the mental health system, for the first time, at age forty-seven.
He was initially very frightened of us, but accepted low doses of antipsychotic medications with very little encouragement. After the first day, he was able to accept direction from us. We were able to get him into the shower. He spent his days just lying in the bed, in the warmth of a hospital room. He doesn’t watch television or socialize with the other patients. He just lies in bed; internally stimulated with whatever hallucinations are running through his mind at the moment. He comes out for meals, then begins searching through the dining room’s garbage cans for leftovers he can take back to his room. We gently redirect him to the refrigerator and cupboards that are stocked with whatever he may want. He smiles hugely with a smile that has very few teeth left in it and takes a package of crackers back to his room. This is quite a coup for someone used to eating moldy and rotting food out of dumpsters.
He has a harsh, moist cough. He’s wheezing. He’s coughing up green sputum. We begin to suspect pneumonia. He’s too paranoid to allow a chest x-ray or respiratory treatments. He does accept antibiotics from a trusted nurse, however. He complains of a large lump on the side of his neck that is causing him some pain. After another day of antipsychotic meds, he is agreeable to allow a CT-scan of the neck and chest. The results stop all of the nursing staff in their tracks. We’re not used to seeing this kind of thing on a psych unit.
The doctor goes in to give him the news about what she suspects. She tells him it looks like cancer; like the cancer is in his lymph glands, lungs and spine. He smiles and thanks her for the information. She says she wants to run a few more tests on him. He smiles and agrees to whatever the doctor wants. The doctor is shaken by his calm demeanor.
His nurse takes him some juices to help break up the congestion in his chest. She asks if he understands what the doctor just told him. He says he does. Then he smiles again and says “It’s so nice to finally be loved.”
We all cried for this sad, lost soul. We pray his death will be kinder than his life has been.
Proof of the Existence of God (or, Revenge of the Mother of a Teen)
October 28, 2009
Filed under family, humor
Tags: mouthy teenagers, mouthy teens, raising teenagers, revenge for mothers of teens, smart mouthed teens, teenage angst
I was jolted awake to the plaintive strains of Incense and Peppermints. I lay still for a moment before I reached over and turned the volume up in time to hear that I had little to win and nothing to lose. I turned on my light and was greeted by Bobby Sherman sweating shirtless on my wall. The Monkees shared space with him and the other teen idols of the day. I walked over to my mirror and greeted the day’s new zits. I bared my teeth at my reflection and braces snarled back at me. Glancing over toward the window, I saw webs of frost on the inside of the pane which assured me of what I already knew: today would be another sub-zero day. The clouds outside sulked grayly in a low ceiling. The dee-jay announced the imminent arrival of yet more snow. I was fourteen years old, I didn’t want to go to school and my mood was now set for the day.
I was slowly working my way through my morning ablutions when my mother stuck her head in my room. “Good morning. Could you turn your radio down so it doesn’t wake up your sister?”
I sighed and rolled my eyes in the mortally wounded and exasperated manner that teenagers master so well. “Okay! Would you just quit nagging me and leave me alone so I can get ready?” I had found my first target of the day.
“Don’t you snap at me! Just do as I say and knock off the smart mouth!”
“Just leave me alone and I’ll do it!” I yelled.
My mother left, knowing it would be fruitless to try to discipline me in the mood I was in, unless she was willing to risk a major explosion before her first cup of coffee. I grudgingly nudged the volume control down a fraction of a hair and finished dressing. I brushed my hair back over my shoulder and slicked on a layer of white lipstick. From the next room, I heard my baby sister, Suzy, cry herself awake. I guiltily turned my radio down before looking for my shoes and books under my bed.
Downstairs, my guilt over waking the baby turned to satisfaction as I witnessed my mother trying to soothe Suzy’s screams while simultaneously making oatmeal for me and warming a bottle for the baby. I knew her juggling act was made even more difficult due to her lack of a wake-up cup of coffee. It was her fault anyhow. If she hadn’t nagged me about my radio, I never would have left it playing so loud and she wouldn’t have to be holding that screaming baby right now. Everything was her fault.
She put a bowl of oatmeal on the table for me. I glared at it. “I’d rather have that leftover cake for breakfast.”
“You’re not going to school with a piece of cake in your stomach. Eat your oatmeal.”
“I don’t like oatmeal anymore. I’m sick of it,” I whined.
“I really don’t care. Just eat it.”
“No, I won’t. I’m not the baby in the family anymore. You can’t just stick food in my mouth and make me eat it,” I snapped. The look on my mother’s face was enough to tell me that she was about to prove my last statement wrong. I knew enough to shut up and at least pick at the cereal.
Suzy continued her wailing until Mom finally poked the bottle into her mouth. She was about to sit down with her coffee when the sound of a horn in the driveway signaled the arrival of the carpool. Mom hurried to the door to wave to the driver so she would know she had been heard while I grabbed my books in one hand and my coat with the other. I headed for the door. “You stop right there and put that coat on, young lady,” my mother ordered.
“I don’t have time! My ride’s here!” I spat. I could feel the cold air from the open door working it’s way across the room.
“They’ll wait. Put your coat on!”
“I would have been ready by now if you’d let me skip that stupid oatmeal,” I snapped as I threw down my books and pulled my coat up over my arms. The driver honked impatiently.
“Zip that coat up,” my mother sighed.
“I don’t have time!” I screamed back. Suzy jerked in her playpen and started crying again.
“Don’t push me, now, young lady! Zip your coat and get out that door!”
I shot the zipper half way up, grabbed my books and headed out the door. Half way down the icy steps leading down from our front porch, I grabbed the rail and angrily turned back toward my mother. I knew the watchful eye of the carpool would keep me safe from any maternal backlash. She would never yell at me in front of others.
“You know, you just feel you have to control me every step of the way, don’t you? You don’t have any control over your own life, so you have to control everyone else’s” I knew a smug expression was adorning my face as I carefully picked my way down the icy steps and over the mounds of snow toward the waiting car. I grasped the cold door handle in my hand as I turned back for one last twist of the knife before making my grand exit. I really knew how to impress my friends.
“I’ll never make all of the mistakes you did! I’ll always have total control over my life!” With that, I roughly yanked the car door open, lost my footing and slid entirely under the car, all in one smooth, effortless motion.
As I lay staring up at the salt and slush covered underside of the car, I became aware of the peals of hysterical laughter coming from the inside of the vehicle above me. What was worse, I could even hear my mother guffawing from inside of the house. I felt snow from the driveway in my underwear, and I realized with horror that this was a good indication that my skirt was up around my waist and my pantyhose were ripped.
I slowly backed myself out from under the car while trying to pull my skirt down before I had to stand up. Everyone in the car was in hysterics. I sneaked a look toward the house and saw my mother nearly doubled over with laughter. She was holding her side with one hand and the door frame with the other, trying to keep herself upright as she received her reward for having to be my mother that morning.
I gathered my scattered schoolbooks and slid my wet behind into the backseat of the car. When the driver had calmed herself enough to handle the car again, she backed out of the driveway to take my thoroughly humiliated and chastened self, along with my still giggling friends, to school.
This, my mother contends, is absolute proof of the existence of God.
Sleepless in Ohio
September 26, 2009
Filed under family, health, humor
Tags: bi pap machines, c pap machines, humor, menopause, sleep apnea, sleep disorders
My eyes shot open and, at once, I knew the awful truth. It was still dark, but I was again awake. I laid there for a few moments before I rolled over to look at the clock, knowing it must be about 2:30. Yup. It was 2:38 am, my usual menopausal waking time. If I wake around that time, I’m doomed to lay awake for the next several hours. I began my usual routine.
I rolled to my other side and smoothed out the covers. I snuggled deeper into my pillow, determined not to let my mind start to race, but I was too late. Just that thought alone ensured that something would come to mind that I couldn’t possibly wait until morning to think about, like the litter box I forgot to empty the day before or my grocery list. Yeah! Let’s lay awake and think about what’s missing from the cupboards. Kind of a mental treasure hunt! That’s worth losing a few hours sleep over, isn’t it?
I’m now aware of my husband’s breathing. He uses a bi-pap machine due to apnea and snoring. While it has helped tremendously with these problems, he’s now the purveyor of some amazing, expiratory noises. He can go from cheek puffs to lip plops. Some nights, for my amusement and torture, he even creates words. Word Nights leave me terrified of the hidden meanings. My imagination has him possessed or even worse, running for public office. Whatever sound he unconsciously chooses, it’s repetitious until he changes position. I reach over to my nightstand and grab an earplug, to block the night’s “plurp plurp plurp plurp” ’s. I can only use one at a time, because two make my head feel like it’s in a vacuum and about to explode. I then turn my own head so that my exposed ear is in the pillow. Anytime I roll over, I have to move the earplug to the other ear. If he rolls onto his side, the expiratory noises end and I take the earplug out, else I wake up to a vacuum sealed ear canal. This routine continues all night.
After about an hour of this nonsense, I decide that emptying my bladder might help me get back to sleep. A trip to the bathroom ensues and then it’s back under the covers. Determined to get at least a few more hours of sleep, I repeat my mantra in my mind. I drift off into a thin and fitful sleep that’s dotted with nightmares. I snort myself awake with my own fat induced snoring episodes. A position change allows me to doze for a few more minutes of uneasy dreams until a hot flash becomes my next alarm clock. I’m grateful, because my sleep wasn’t restful and the nightmares were disturbing. I kick off the covers and grab a tissue off of the nightstand to blot the sweat from my face. I look at the clock and see that it’s 4:11. I’m now going between hot flashes and cold flashes. The covers are off, then on, then off, then on. Take out the earplug and put it in the other ear as I roll over to find the cool spot on the bed, then look for the blankets when the chills overtake me. I notice my husband is on his side and take the earplug out and put it in the little earplug dish on my nightstand. It’s now time to kick the covers off and blot my face again.
My body temperature settles down and I’m able to pull the covers up and settle down a bit. It’s at this point that it happens. The Dreaded Nose Whistle. Every time I breathe in, I hear the high-pitched squeal of my own dry, nasal passages. Whistle in, breathe out. Whistle in, breathe out. After attempting to relieve myself of this new malady for a few minutes with some hefty inhalations, I get up and go back into the bathroom and give it a few mighty honks, even though it’s so dry there’s nothing to release.
Back in bed, I’m relieved to find out the Nose Whistle is gone. The hot and cold flashes are over. I can deal with the earplug utilization, as that’s something that just has to be done. I finally drop off to sleep again, around 5:30.
At 5:49, my phone rings. “Hello, Ina? This is June at work. Would you like to come in and work extra today?”
And once again, I’m awake.







He’ll “accidentally” bump up against them and make sure his body gets as close to them as possible. He makes quiet, seductive sounds to get their attention. He knows no shame. He does this in plain sight of myself or any of my female friends who visit. Not that there’s anything wrong with this; I just wish he had been honest with me from the start about where his true interests lay.