You know you might need to find something else to do with your time when you start to snap about the little things. I mean, the really, really stupid little things.
This is Feldman, our travel flamingo.
He goes on vacations with us and is generally used as a marker on beaches so we can easily find our chairs after taking a stroll down water’s edge. He’s always held a spot of honor in our home, and since our move to Florida, he’s on display outside at all times.
Now that we’re fairly well settled into our retirement down here, we’re finding ourselves with more time on our hands to play with silly projects. That’s where Feldman’s updated look began.
For some completely warped reason, I decided he needed dreadlocks.
Kevin stepped in to help and drilled holes in dear, little Feldman’s head while I was still sleeping one morning. I was mildly annoyed, because I’d pictured the holes to be more like slits, and I knew there was no way I’d be able to weave the dreads through these tiny openings. Kevin, in his never-ending need to fix things for everyone, then created a tool for me to use in the task. OK, it wasn’t how I wanted it to proceed, but I could grumbling and mutteringly see where it would work, although differently from my plan.
I laboriously drew the black strands through the holes. Black yarn was wrapped around each dread to keep them looking dreadful. The bottom of each strand was sealed with a dot of red nail polish, to give it the look of a bead. My creative juices were flowing like our now thinner, Florida blood! I was rejoicing in my stupidity! The top was knotted and sealed with clear nail polish so it wouldn’t fray. However, that left the top of his head looking kind of unkempt, so I decided he needed a hat.
I mentioned to Kevin that I was going to search online for a Rastafarian hat for Feldman, and before I even had the opportunity, my “fixer” reported that he’d done an internet search and couldn’t come up with anything. However, he found Rasta shoelaces that I might be able to work with. I went to Amazon, found something similar and ordered them, all the while grumbling to myself about the fact that he stole my internet search. In record time, they were in my mailbox. I then spent a very enjoyable morning fashioning one lace into a really cool hat. When I tried it on Feldman, I realized it needed to be glued on to his head.
And this is where my pissed-offitude really took wing.
We only had Python Glue. I don’t like Python Glue. Kevin likes Python Glue. I wanted Gorilla Glue, but the last time we were in a store and I tried to buy some, Kevin insisted on buying Python Glue, because he uses glue, too. The nasty Python Glue wouldn’t work the way I needed it to work. It needed to be held on for hours. I wasn’t holding a hat on a stupid, plastic flamingo for hours. (Sorry, Feldman!) I told him that I’d be waiting for pay day to go buy the glue I wanted, all the while internally seething that I could have had my project already done if only he’d have butted out of my need for Gorilla Glue the last time and let me buy what I wanted. But, noooooo…
The next morning when I woke up, Feldman was up high on a cabinet with rubber bands securely holding my Rasta creation to the top of his head… with Python Glue! Kevin wasn’t around, so I was able to get a real, good snit going. WTF?! This was supposed to be my project! Did he really think he was helping me? I couldn’t even look at my darling Feldman. I had a unique way that I wanted to attach the hat so it would slouch down his back, and I was sure he didn’t do it the way I wanted it done. I spent the rest of the day avoiding looking at Feldman on top of the cabinet, and avoiding Kevin as much as possible. I knew he thought he was helping me, but I felt he’d destroyed… yes, destroyed!.. my project.
Oh, but it got worse. The next morning, Feldman was waiting for me by my computer. The rubber bands were gone. Swallowing a huge lump in my throat, I picked him up to see how he looked. My masterpiece of a hat was glued firmly, dead center, on top of his head. He looked like a Chinese coolie flamingo. The tip that I’d sewn over to form a slouch pocket down the back was pointing to his left. I was livid. I didn’t want to make a scene (quite yet, but I was certainly masterminding one), so I just left poor Feldman laying on the table by my laptop, while I worked on letting myself get into a real snit, and mentally prepared for the hissy I was going to throw. I picked him up a few times throughout the day and lamented all the hours I’d put into the beauteousness of him. My upper lip trembled with repressed rage. My nostrils quivered with anger. He was ruined in the final hour. RUINED! A coolie hat!
I could barely talk to Kevin. I kept my distance. I growled to myself over and over and over about Python Glue and Gorilla Glue and holes instead of slits and leave my shit alone and maybe I could have found a pre-made hat if he hadn’t interfered and rubber bands and coolie hats! I even thought of throwing my beloved Feldman away. I was working up an enormous head of steam and I was just about to blow when I finally took a deep breath and picked Feldman up. Sniffling and with unshed tears filling my eyes, I started folding parts of the hat this way and that. I imagined what I could do with it if I bought some Gorilla Glue to use in certain, small spots. I realized he might not be a total loss, and as much as I wanted to severely punish Kevin and make the rest of his life a living hell, it probably wasn’t worth ruining my marriage over. After an extended cool-down period, I grudgingly made myself hug Kev, thank him for his efforts and tell him I was going to go buy some Gorilla Glue. A couple of days later, I was even able to laugh and tell him how angry I’d been and how I’d planned on never speaking to him again because of his interference with my dreadlocked, pink, plastic flamingo project.
I’ll just save all my evil revenge plans for his next infraction of my unstated rules.