Bite me. Now, there’s a phrase for you. A lot of people say it. It’s usually said as a way to tell someone to “go to hell” or some such commentary. I’m very fond of saying it, myself. I’ve often wondered why I use it, because it seems I am obviously asking for harm to befall me. Last night’s menopausically challenged sleep cycle left me with a few hours to contemplate my navel, the meaning of life and the phrase “bite me”.
I imagined myself to be the recipient of this offer, rather than the giver. I pictured someone I potentially didn’t like telling me to do this. I tried to imagine going up to said person and chomping down on their arm. I couldn’t do it. The thought of putting my mouth on any part of a person I hated wasn’t going to happen. I then realized the phrase could be used as a challenge.
Next, I imagined the most innocuous biter I could think of: the mosquito. I pictured a mosquito landing on my arm and dipping into the lusciousness of me and what would then happen to it. Of course, I smashed the little bastard to death and flicked his flattened ass to the gutter.
But that wasn’t enough. I let my imagination go to another level. I pictured someone I didn’t like, say, my boss. I imagined her doing any number of the things that she does to annoy me, and me giving her my standard response to “bite me”. I then saw her lunge forward and sink her teeth into my arm. That’s when I imagined punching the living hell out of the side of her head. I’m pretty sure one punch would be all it would take to make her let go, too. So, there we have the challenge, again. Go ahead. Bite me and give me a reason to finally knock you senseless, you ignorant bitch.
I then took the imaginary biting to the next level. Let’s say I offered this challenge to a Doberman. Of course, if I was dumb enough to offer myself to this dog to begin with, I would have a weapon nearby. Since this is my imagination, I can have any weapon I want. While there was some joy in picturing a .357 Magnum in my hand at the appropriate moment, I felt I would get more satisfaction out of a steel shovel. So, the dog has angered me to the point where I offer the challenge. “Bite me,” I encourage. It goes for my leg and begins a vicious assault. I grab my shovel and begin to beat it into oblivion. When it has let go, I continue to beat it, just because it really pissed me off and I can.
So, what I have deduced is that when one tells someone to bite them, it’s like a double dog dare. The phrase has taken on new meaning for me. I’m going to enjoy using it even more.
So, come on. Bite me.
(Disclaimer: The above mentioned Doberman is an imaginary dog. An imaginary and vicious dog. Possibly rabid. Definitely an ugly dog before I ever had anything to do with it. It probably has cooties, too. Please don’t call the ASPCA on me. I really love dogs. I have a dog. Really.)