Cracking Up

I did not want to go to the grocery store. I hate going to the grocery store. However, given the choice of laying in supplies for the impending winter storm or resorting to discovering just what might be left in the oddly percolating containers in the refrigerator, I decided to check my bank balance one more time, weep softly and head out the door.

It was the worst case scenario when I got there. Apparently, everyone in Mayberry chose to have fresh food during the blizzard over sharing a bowl of Meow Mix with Miss Dinkums. The store was packed. I was spoiled by the usual lack of a crowd in that place and became cranky and impatient when I found other foragers in my aisles.

I neared the end of the second aisle and was stalemated by the cart in front of me that had to come to a complete standstill, due to the three other carts that were trying to enter the same aisle. I could hear a cart come up behind me, bringing the total number of shoppers and carts in the quagmire up to six. Those manning the carts that were trying to enter the lane just stared stupidly, and some actually had mouths agape. I was now pissed off.

Why didn’t the idiots trying to enter the aisle just move their dysfunctional asses away?! What were they expecting? Did they want us to back up and let them enter?! Freaking, dumb shits!!



I could feel my temper about to let loose and give these jerks some direction that even a kindergartener would have been able to figure out without being told, when one of the Attempting Enterers spoke up with, “Wow! There must be something really good down this aisle!”

At which point I responded without any aforethought, in a very perky and bouncy voice, with, “Yes! It’s me! I’m so sorry! I have a tendency to draw this kind of crowd everywhere I go. My fans can be so relentless!”

At this point, everyone burst into laughter, the traffic jam broke up and I left the congestion with one last comment of, “Thank you all for coming! I’ll be signing autographs by the dairy case later!”

The rest of the trip through the store resulted in running into those involved in the melee in various aisles. They would point their fingers at me and laugh. I had a couple of interesting conversations with my fans by the cat food and then the toilet paper. I was smiling and laughing when I left the store.

Yeah, I even crack myself up sometimes.

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12 responses to “Cracking Up

  1. I’ve had that crowded store experience several times recently – thanks for turning it into a laugh!

  2. Jacks ~ Only as Erma Bombeck. I hope they don’t realize she’s dead, or my cover will be blown.

    Kathleen ~ I didn’t mean to turn it into a laugh. What came out of my mouth was completely involuntary and took on a life form of its own.

  3. I’m feeling another writer’ block comin’ on.

  4. This made me laugh out loud. I needed it!

  5. I’m glad I could help you!

  6. Here’s a question – why doesn’t the ocean ever FREEZE when it’s this damn cold out?

  7. HA! One of the “related posts” is Senior-Friendly Grocery Stores…

  8. What you consider cold and what WE consider cold are two entirely different things. I know the edges of the ocean freeze around New England. Right now, Lake Erie is solid white, as far as the eye can see.

    Sometimes the tags generate some hilarious results!

  9. It was in the 40s today. :p

  10. Yeah? Well, when it’s in the 100s around you, we’ll be in the 70s.

    It’s only 7:30 in the morning and it’s all the way up to 25 already today. I might have to break out the shorts.

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