With the holidays upon us, one cannot help but ask oneself the musical question, “How much fatter can I possibly get?”
This is quickly answered by a trip to the local haberdashery where one must look at clothes made for sizes one has not yet attained. This is where one can finally answer that question by going, “Oh. That’s how much fatter I can get.”
Now that this question has been answered, let us look at our options. Let’s start with the healthy route, here. (I hear that laughing in the back row! You can just shut up and stop making fun of me, now! I’m serious about this!) We’ll start with the all important exercise routine. (I said stop laughing!) Trading extra portions for enforced exercise is a wise choice. Let’s just say, for example, that you really want that extra slice of nut roll. You can have it, but first you must make a vow to yourself to walk at least two miles tomorrow. Or, if you’re like me, you must first walk the two miles, then you may eat the nut roll or you will never fulfill that end of the deal. Since I have no intentions of walking two miles prior to the ingestion of any holiday goody, I’ll make that promise to myself and not feel guilty until the next day when I break it. In fact, I will promise myself that I will walk four miles and eat two pieces. Or maybe even three. The only promise that I can guarantee I will fulfill will be to not fulfill my promise. I may even wash that nut roll down with a glass of wine. Or four. Once I’m on that fourth glass, I don’t care about any stinkin’ promises, calories, exercise routines or inability to fit into my clothes any more. Screw it, I say!
So, for the sake of argument, let’s say I woke up the next day with a huge headache and a belly to match. Since I don’t do well with wine, we can assume I have no memory of all that I ate the night before. No memory = no guilt. Problem solved. It’s like the calories never happened. It’s just simple algebra.
Another good way to approach the dietary problems of the season is simple portion control. You just eat half of what you normally would. You may end up gaining a pound or two, but that’s usually pretty easy to fix after the first of the year. Just remember, though…a half a piece of nut roll, a half a glass of wine, a half a piece of fudge, the other half of that glass of wine, a half a piece of pecan pie with real whipped cream, another half glass of wine, then you get to finish that other half piece of nut roll that you started and another glass of wine and maybe two more pieces of fudge because they go so well with another glass of wine and… Wait. Where was I? Are we still on halves or have we progressed to where the wine makes you think halves are stupid, the holidays only come once a year so you might as well have the whole dang thing? Yeah, that’s where we are. It’s one of my favorite places to be. Let’s have another glass of wine and talk about this, ‘k?
Okay. The lesson here is, Wine is Not Evil. Jesus drank it and since we’re celebrating his birthday, it must be a good thing.
If exercise and portion control don’t work for you, you’re screwed. This is when you may want to just buy some bigger pants until the holiday season is over. The only problem with this tactic is that you don’t feel fat if your clothes aren’t tight. This leads to the consumption of more goodies right through Memorial Day. At this point, you’ll realize you need a larger summer wardrobe. May I suggest Kohl’s? They have some wonderful fashions and affordable prices. Please have a designated driver and a glass or two of wine before you go. This makes the pain of buying larger sizes much more tolerable.
So remember, exercise, wine, portion control, wine, larger clothes, wine. You’ll still be fat, but you won’t care because the holidays will soon be upon us once again, and that means more wine!