Read This or I’ll Slap You
November 22, 2009
Filed under family, health, humor, rant
Tags: bite me, hormones, how hormones effect menopause, how menopause feels, how to handle a menopausal woman, menopausal women, menopause
I’m hormonal as hell. Menopause sucks scissors.
I’m hot flashing and night sweating and crying and bitching and yelling and blaming and wanting to kill something.
I’m fat and bloated and hot and cold and horny and you better not touch me and then I’m happy and sorry and apologizing and crying and eating all the chocolate and drinking all the beer and wine and crying more.
I want your attention and you better give it to me but you better leave me the hell alone if you know what’s good for you after you give me more chocolate and wine and tell me that I don’t look fat and that’s an order.
I love you all.
My Recipe. Eat It.
December 20, 2007
Filed under Uncategorized
Tags: eat, food, ha ha, humor, pork, recipe, sauerkraut, yum
There’s an annoying trend on the internet these days. Maybe some of you have been unfortunate enough to experience it, also. I’m talking about the dreaded recipe exchange. This is the kind of thing that used to be in a chain letter in the days before the web.
The premise is simple enough. Write out your easiest recipe; something you know off of the top of your head. Send it to the name on the top of the list and add your name to the bottom. In essence, you’ll collect 3,784 recipes in four days if no one breaks the chain. (“Because, after all…we can all use new recipes!”) *gag*
The biggest problem with this would be a) refer to the first line of this article. It’s annoying! And b) by sending me this, someone is implying that I want to cook.
After careful consideration, I’ve decided that instead of ignoring all of these pleas for my favorite “off the top of my head” recipe, I would post it here, then just send everyone a link to this article when I get the next annoying request. Given the time of year and the impending necessity of pork and sauerkraut in the very near future, I decided to share my very easy recipe for what we call Sauerkraut Pie. It’s not really a pie so just quit going “eewww!”, be quiet and read.
First thing you do is brown some sausage. The kind that comes in a roll, like the Bob Evans stuff, works fine. I don’t know how much it weighs. Like a pound or something? Whatever, just buy a roll and brown it.
Next, drain the fat and put it in a casserole dish. I don’t know the size. I use a square one. Figure it out, okay? Whatever size you need to hold all this crap will work just fine. Cover it with a can of drained sauerkraut. I probably should have told you to drain it before, but I didn’t, so deal with it. Go check your email while you wait. I don’t know what size can. One of those smaller ones, but not too small; just a can. Maybe you like more kraut, so adjust it whenever you feel like it. If your dish fails, you can’t blame me.
Step three would be where you cover the sausage and kraut with a container of Bob Evans mashed potatoes. Just one of those regular sized ones. I don’t know if they come in gigundo size or not, but don’t get one if they do. Actually, you’ll want to take the potatoes out of the container before you cover the other stuff with it. I like to heat them a little in the microwave or let them come to room temperature before I use them because they’re easier to manage. Bring the potatoes to the edges of the casserole dish and kind of seal the edges of them to the dish. Brush the spuds with melted butter and sprinkle the top with parmesan cheese. I don’t know how much butter or parmesan. Just some, okay?
Bake it at somewhere around 350-400 degrees for like forty-five minutes or an hour. It’s done when it starts to brown. Eat it. Yum.
Oh, I probably should have told you to take some Gas-X or Beano or Pepcid before you eat it so you don’t ruin everyone else’s evening.
The Plan Was to Simplify
December 6, 2007
Filed under Uncategorized
Tags: christmas, christmas decorating, decorating
When we decided to combine our households, we knew we would be up for some challenges. Two middle aged adults have generally had the opportunity to accrue vast amounts of doo dads, thingamabobs and whatzits. We were fairly polite with each other when it came time to decide which one of us got to keep their whatzit and which one had to get rid of a doo dad.
Downsizing the holiday decorations proved to be far easier than either of us had thought possible. A lack of small children underfoot provided each of us with the opportunity to finally simplify this time of year. We had both spoken of our pasts, when it would take a minimum of three days to deck our halls. Undecking was also an arduous task that we both found odious. With this in mind, we each chose a handful of tree ornaments that we cherished and only one or two other items we felt were significant to us. We went shopping for our first Christmas tree and opted for a very slim artificial that was pre-lit to add to the simplification. Decorating the entire house and tree took a maximum of one hour that year. We rejoiced in how wise we were and that we could now concentrate on the enjoyment of the holiday season, rather than the work we were facing. Outside of buying our new tree, two or three new ornaments to signify our first Christmas together and one trip to the local backwoods boutique for a very tiny, (pre-lit, of course!) tree for the porch, we had bought nothing new and were thrilled with the lack of stress we felt that year.
Last year, we decided to continue with the theme of keeping it simple. Another trip to the woodsy boutique provided us with this set of ginormous bells for a pillar on the front porch. We added this really awesome wreath that looked like it was caught in a blizzard and maybe went a little nutsy with about twenty new ornaments for the tree. We figured that was okay, as we were still establishing things that said us. A couple of new candle holders didn’t really count as adding to the hullabaloo, as we feel one can never have enough candles burning on the holidays. Of course, we had to buy some extra candles, too.
This year, we decided to put a small, wood burning fireplace in our sunroom just before winter started. We were so tickled with the opportunity to be able to use the sunroom year round that we decided to put the Christmas tree in there. A few new ornaments had to be added to the tree, naturally. We also found the need to put a couple of things in the windows and on the tables of this room, as we hadn’t decorated it previously. A mannequin that we’d purchased on a lark during the summer now needed a Santa suit of sorts. Inside, we realized we had very little holiday decorations. A four foot (pre-lit, again for simplification) table top tree was added to the dining room, along with an armful of miniature ornaments to cover it. While out shopping for this tree at the woodsy boutique, we came across some ornaments that we both found intriguing. They were purchased on a whim, just to see what we might be able to do with them. We came up with this really cool thingamabob to put in the doorway between two rooms. This really cool thingamabob then made the garland that was there previously look pretty cheesy. We went back to the woodsy boutique and bought these really amazing garlands with long, pine needles and bodacious pine cones to hang with the intriguing thingamabob we invented. It looks incredible. I accidentally found some pearly kind of garland like thingies in another store and added them to represent snow and ice. Now it looks amazingly more amazing. My husband had to make one more trip to this little store for one more pearly garland thingy to help round it out and now we’re done decorating for this year. We think.
Oh, and the candles! I can’t forget the two, large bags of scented candles that I carried out of the Hallmark store. Now, we’re done.
We had thought to fill the window boxes with evergreens and berries, but that can wait until next year. The garlands we want to put between the other rooms and on the stair rails can wait until next year, too. Along with those poinsettias I want to put on the stairs.
Yes, the plan was to simplify…
Being Phat With the Holidays
November 29, 2007
Filed under Uncategorized
Tags: christmas, fat, holidays, humor, lard, new year's, phat, weight gain, wine
With the holidays upon us, one cannot help but ask oneself the musical question, “How much fatter can I possibly get?”
This is quickly answered by a trip to the local haberdashery where one must look at clothes made for sizes one has not yet attained. This is where one can finally answer that question by going, “Oh. That’s how much fatter I can get.”
Now that this question has been answered, let us look at our options. Let’s start with the healthy route, here. (I hear that laughing in the back row! You can just shut up and stop making fun of me, now! I’m serious about this!) We’ll start with the all important exercise routine. (I said stop laughing!) Trading extra portions for enforced exercise is a wise choice. Let’s just say, for example, that you really want that extra slice of nut roll. You can have it, but first you must make a vow to yourself to walk at least two miles tomorrow. Or, if you’re like me, you must first walk the two miles, then you may eat the nut roll or you will never fulfill that end of the deal. Since I have no intentions of walking two miles prior to the ingestion of any holiday goody, I’ll make that promise to myself and not feel guilty until the next day when I break it. In fact, I will promise myself that I will walk four miles and eat two pieces. Or maybe even three. The only promise that I can guarantee I will fulfill will be to not fulfill my promise. I may even wash that nut roll down with a glass of wine. Or four. Once I’m on that fourth glass, I don’t care about any stinkin’ promises, calories, exercise routines or inability to fit into my clothes any more. Screw it, I say!
So, for the sake of argument, let’s say I woke up the next day with a huge headache and a belly to match. Since I don’t do well with wine, we can assume I have no memory of all that I ate the night before. No memory = no guilt. Problem solved. It’s like the calories never happened. It’s just simple algebra.
Another good way to approach the dietary problems of the season is simple portion control. You just eat half of what you normally would. You may end up gaining a pound or two, but that’s usually pretty easy to fix after the first of the year. Just remember, though…a half a piece of nut roll, a half a glass of wine, a half a piece of fudge, the other half of that glass of wine, a half a piece of pecan pie with real whipped cream, another half glass of wine, then you get to finish that other half piece of nut roll that you started and another glass of wine and maybe two more pieces of fudge because they go so well with another glass of wine and… Wait. Where was I? Are we still on halves or have we progressed to where the wine makes you think halves are stupid, the holidays only come once a year so you might as well have the whole dang thing? Yeah, that’s where we are. It’s one of my favorite places to be. Let’s have another glass of wine and talk about this, ‘k?
Okay. The lesson here is, Wine is Not Evil. Jesus drank it and since we’re celebrating his birthday, it must be a good thing.
If exercise and portion control don’t work for you, you’re screwed. This is when you may want to just buy some bigger pants until the holiday season is over. The only problem with this tactic is that you don’t feel fat if your clothes aren’t tight. This leads to the consumption of more goodies right through Memorial Day. At this point, you’ll realize you need a larger summer wardrobe. May I suggest Kohl’s? They have some wonderful fashions and affordable prices. Please have a designated driver and a glass or two of wine before you go. This makes the pain of buying larger sizes much more tolerable.
So remember, exercise, wine, portion control, wine, larger clothes, wine. You’ll still be fat, but you won’t care because the holidays will soon be upon us once again, and that means more wine!
Cheers!
Jammie Day
November 23, 2007
Filed under Uncategorized
Tags: Black Friday, jammie day, jammies, relax, selfish
Yes, it’s Black Friday. A day that has become significant to many for the hoards of shoppers elbowing each other in stores, long lines, over heated credit cards, screaming kids and frazzled nerves. What could be better?
Jammie Day, that’s what. I have proclaimed today to be my first annual Jammie Day. None of that Black Friday crap awaits me; I have better things to do.
With my husband out of town and no family or work obligations looming, I will sit in front of my computer and write as long as I desire.
I will drink pots and pots of coffee and pee lots and lots of pee.
I will stay in my jammies.
I may not even shower, but I can guarantee I will brush my teeth.
I will not put on make-up, nor will I fix my hair.
I will put on a classic rock station and listen all day, in my jammies.
I will put up the minor amount of Christmas decorations that we have chosen to represent a more relaxed and down-sized version of the holiday. I will do this in my jammies.
I will shop on line, in my jammies.
I will reheat a plate of leftovers for dinner, while still in my jammies.
I may build a fire tonight, or I may opt for snuggling down in the den with a lapdog and an attention seeking cat vying for my affections.
No matter what I do today, it will be done inside, where it’s warm. It will be something I want to do that will please just me. I will be selfish for once and not worry about making anyone else happy.
I will do it in my jammies.
